I came across the above quote while scrolling the gram yesterday and it resonated with me immediately.

It may not seem all that profound at first glance but it certainly struck a cord, and Id almost go as far as to say it brought on a bit of a “light bulb” moment.

Navigating this first full year as a newly single woman, after what was nearly a decade long relationship hasn’t been easy. (To say the absolute least)

While I thought finally leaving a toxic relationship would bring great relief, what I learned instead is that being single…specially, single in LA comes with a whole load of new issues and unfortunately more toxic interactions.

Over the past 15 months I’ve dated here and there, with almost all of these “situationships” leading to the same frustrating end. Ive been hurt, irritated and left disillusioned with men more times than not, and I know I’m not alone in this, having heard the same stories from my girlfriends time and time again.

So yesterday as I was mindlessly scrolling, as I often do, this one sentence stopped me abruptly and led me to really reflect… for me it truly embodies the entire irritating and sometimes painful dating phenomenon I have experienced repeatedly over the past year in one short sentence.
“Being a good woman will always go unnoticed by a man with bad intentions.”

WOW! There it is!!!!
Lets all say it together out loud…

BEING A GOOD WOMAN WILL ALWAYS GO UNNOTICED BY A MAN WITH BAD INTENTIONS.

Now, let me unpack this for us a bit.

Lets start with “bad intentions” to me in this context, “bad intentions” is more or less the equivalent of no REAL intentions at all. Translation a man who is not currently relationship minded and is only looking at dating as mere sport/recreation ie. a fun little way to pass some time. This man isn’t dating as a means to an end, as in finding a true partner, best friend and potentially future wife, but instead is only interested in pleasure and fun in the present with NO active intention or thoughts of future building.

This is not to say that all men in this category are not potentially decent or even good men. Its simply to say that in the present moment they are NOT GOOD men for any woman who is seeking REAL relationship status. They aren’t necessarily the devil incarnate, (though I’ve encountered a few) they just haven’t yet “sowed their wild oats” if you will.

While some men are entirely upfront about their present position and outlook towards relationships there are of course those who instead intentionally mislead women in hopes of getting what they want….I don’t think I need to specifically address what that is…Im assuming we’re all on the same page here….😂
Anyhow, when we receive this information, either provided to us upfront & direct from the source, or revealed over time through action, you’d think that it alone would then be enough to deter us from pursuing anything further. Sadly, it often does not, and in some cases may even compel us to pursue them further and with greater determination.

I hate that this is a fact.
I hate that we so often know better but don’t do better, however just like the men we complain about we aren’t without flaw ourselves. While our motivations may be different, and I dare say typically more
pure it may often still lead to just as poor of decision making.

It seems that even though we realize someone isn’t displaying the signs of maturity necessary to engage in a real relationship our natural reaction is to either consciously or subconsciously assume that our GOODNESS will most certainly NOT go unnoticed and in turn we falsely assume that the men we interact with will behave and respond towards us in accordance with this regardless of where they are at in their own personal growth, capacity for or interest in a relationship.

We assume that our GOODNESS will be so apparent and therefore so APPEALING that we will be treated not only with respect but that these men will have a real and genuine interest & even an EXCITEMENT towards learning more about us than just the color of our underwear.

Boy is this a false assumption!

The truth of that matter is that more times than not men don’t change course when they meet “the one” they change course when they are READY; And “the one” then becomes the next good girl they happen to encounter… and that is certainly not to say many a good woman hasn’t come and gone before her, they just hadn’t yet grown to a place personally to realize or appreciate her GOODNESS!

Now ladies this works the same in reverse. Think about it, it would be great if we were always ready when the perfect man came a callin’, but the reality is often times we are not. Often times we are still carrying baggage from past situations and aren’t fully open to or ready for love either. Sometimes it is us that miss the boat. There is most certainly such a thing as the right person, wrong time scenario.

The solution to avoiding some of this potential heartache then is to properly “vett” your dates so to speak, and stop engaging with men who are only in it for recreation in hopes that your GOODNESS will bring about their maturity and growth sooner than they are prepared for. It wont!!!!

And in the event that you find yourself in a situation where someone isn’t valuing you do yourself a favor and show yourself the door. Don’t hang on in hopes that they will come to some break through realization, or worse because your ego refuses to give up on someone until you are sure they have seen how “worthy” you are.

The fact is you ARE worthy, you know who you are! You know your strengths and you know your value. You are a whole person on your own (and if you’re not, go work on that and then come back and revisit this 😉) and you don’t need any validation from some delusional f*ck boy with an ego 10 times the size of his ****, your basic womanizer or even the lesser of all dating “evils” your immature average joe,  just take a hard pass and move on… and don’t continue to make the same mistakes with the same type of men in the future!

Leave those who are only seeking recreation out on the playground right where you found them and let them play their games with women who are on their same level of emotional & relational maturity.
Stop assuming you can pull them up to your level. That rarely works. Instead they will have you down in the sandbox, covered in dirt, crying and frustrated just like the little boy in preschool who used to steal your little plastic shovel just to hit you over the head with it.

Ladies its time for us to choose better and stop blaming our bad experiences on the men with whom we have chosen to engage with. Stop expecting MORE from people who have SHOWN you they are only capable of delivering LESS.

Stop subscribing to the old adage that a man will automatically change when he meets “the one” and start living in the reality that if a man isn’t ready your GOODNESS will go unnoticed and if not entirely unnoticed at LEAST under appreciated and you deserve better!!! (but not if you keep choosing to settle for less….) So STOP! And if this is starting to sound overly redundant it’s because it is! (All this extra emphasis is in hopes we both get the message… you and I 😉)

Personally, the signs were there in all of my recent situations, I just chose to push forward anyhow, ego blinding me to the fact that no matter what I bring to the table (and I’m confident I bring plenty 😇) it ain’t gonna matter if the man is not looking to sit down….at ANY table, with you or anyone else. If they are still out sampling the menu all over town it wont matter what kind of 5 star meal you’re serving….

So move on and stop wasting your time! If you’re looking for a man to build with make sure you find one whose actually ready to sit at the table with you!

(Over my analogies yet??)

Anyhow, in closing… there are good men and there are some pretty rotten ones, same thing is true of women. Just remember you own your decisions and you own the outcome when you choose to engage on any level with another person. Don’t let the actions of a few allow you to become disillusioned in general. Instead do some heavy soul searching, do the hard work on yourself, figure out where you are going wrong in your selections and make the necessary adjustments.

Stop believing YOU can change a man who isn’t ready. YOU may be unique and special (and if you’re reading this I’m sure you are 😉)

But remember even you don’t have that much juice. If you want something real….like I know I do, take a pass on those who show you they aren’t ready, save yourself
the time….and the headache!