This week while mindlessly swiping through IG stories, I came across a link to an article entitled “Dear White Women, We Need to Talk About Coachella”. Based on the headline alone I had a pretty good idea of the type of read I was in for and yet somehow my finger still went ahead and “swiped” up. This is a decision I’ve regretted immensely over the past 72 hrs. The article itself wasn’t too far off from similar articles I’ve (rather unfortunately) read in the past on the subject of cultural appropriation and considering the source (Teen Vogue) it was, just as you would expect, rather unoriginal, most certainly one-sided, and really little more than a divisive piece of propaganda.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of the article was other than to further cram the mainstream medias PC liberal ideology down our throats, all while framing it as the only side of the conversation any rational minded person could possibly be on. Shocking right? Teen Vogue clearly didn’t consider the fact that an alternative and yet valid point of view may exist on the subject. Over the past year particularly, you would have thought the media would have started to get the message that at least half the population is on the other side of every issue they choose to address, yet somehow they never speak to us. Hmmmm…

Now, before I dive into the primary issue I feel its necessary to at least pause and draw attention for one moment to the title of the article, “Dear White Women…”. It would appear that according to this headline white women are the primary and most egregious offenders of this despicable crime of “cultural appropriation”, or even worse the only ones who are in a position to commit said “crime” and therefore subject to being “charged”. Ok, NOTED.

As if a black woman has never dressed up in a Native American headdress or an Asian or Hispanic woman has never worn cornrows or boxer braids. Would that not be just as offensive to the author of the Teen Vogue article? The headline suggests not. That itself is problematic and just another example of how the media tries to create division and animosity between races, specifically by classifying people as simply white or non-white, or in other words villain and victim.

The concept of cultural appropriation is one I find both confusing and frustrating. For example, the idea that simply braiding my hair in a specific manner could somehow be viewed as inherently offensive to an entire population of people is boarder-line lunacy to me.

While I fully understand the textbook definition of the concept (which by the way, I personally believe was invented by liberals & progressives ODing on political correctness) this notion that if a white person (by being a member of the “majority culture”) embraces a fashion, hairstyle, cuisine, spiritual practice, art, dance or slang, that originates with, or is typically associated with a minority culture than we are, at best, ignorant and insensitive and at worst, evil and flat-out “intentionally making a mockery” of the other culture is for me, really reaching a new level of absurdity.

Whatever happened to “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”? I guess the snowflakes missed that memo. When someone chooses to embrace or draw inspiration from a fashion or a hairstyle etc. that originated with another culture it’s because they like it! They appreciate the artistry, style, flavor, outlook or form of expression. It’s a compliment not an insult, and certainly not something done with the intent to offend or harm.

(Any examples of appropriating another culture with the specific INTENT to demean or degrade are by far the exception and not the rule, and I don’t think anyone disagrees that when the INTENT is to diminish or mock someone’s culture it is always wrong)

So for those pushing this “cultural appropriation” narrative, namely those behind this Teen Vogue article and others like it who continually call people out for what they characterize as “using” or “stealing” things from cultures other than their own, (without what they deem to be adequate “knowledge” of its symbolic of cultural meaning) I hope you practice what you preach and research the history of every single thing you put on each morning, every hairstyle you wear, every slang term you use, dance you learn, song you sing, ETC ETC ETC!!!

Because guess what???? There is in fact a history behind every single thing we wear, say and do, and more often than not it did not originate with someone who looks just like us!! The fact is no matter if you are black, brown, white or purple polka-dotted, whether you live in American, China, India or Timbuktoo, if you are alive today everything you say, do or wear was created by or directly inspired by someone who came before you. This includes people of all different races and cultural backgrounds, everything has a history and a meaning. It was all “appropriated” from somewhere.

There are plenty of examples of this in my daily routine alone. This morning as I took in excess of 15 min to achieve my perfectly winged eyeliner. I paused for a moment, contemplating whether or not Cleopatra would be offended by my “borrowing” her look. After all I’m not Egyptian. Cleopatra’s eyeliner wasn’t just a beauty trend either it was worn in part by her and other Egyptians as protection from the evil eye. (may my liner protect me from any evil eye thrown my way as a result of this post…) LOL

So, now that we’ve established the fact that literally everything has history, lets delve a little deeper and answer a bigger underlying question that I think may help put this in better perspective.

Is it your responsibility as an individual to avoid offending others?

Read that again and really think about the question. Is it your responsibility, your DUTY to avoid offending others?

Let me answer that for you.

NO, it is not your responsibility to avoid offending others.

I say this because as we all know you ultimately have NO CONTROL over what others find offensive. All you can do is live in your OWN TRUTH, which in and of itself may be offensive to others. If you are not breaking any laws, and are not intentionally seeking to hurt or harm others, I’d say you’re operating in a fairly safe space. Because, lets face it, to avoid offending anyone, ever, is an actual impossibility.

For example, as a Christian I’m personally offended by a multitude of things that are both prevalent and even promoted in today’s culture. I could give you a list a mile long but lets take instead a seemingly small example just to prove a point. (Translation, the least political one I can think of.)

I’m personally offended when people take the Lord’s name in vain, HIGHLY offended and I’m sure I’m not alone in that as Christianity is widespread the world over. Now does that stop people from doing it? Do you think anyone genuinely feels bad when I express the fact that I’m offended when they do so? Do you think that knowledge then changes their behavior? Specifically when I’m not around? NO!!!!! Of course it doesn’t.

To take it a step farther there are many things you could say, do or wear that would offend entire religious groups, Christians and others. However, I’ve yet to see media outlets such as Teen Vogue write articles on how to avoid offending them, and I wont hold my breath on that. Apparently specific cultures are sacred and religion, specifically Christianity, is not.

Yet somewhere in all of this the PC police have determined that I’m expected to feel ashamed and guilty if someone is offended by my choice to braid my hair in something other than a French braid.  I’m sorry but I’m truly not sorry!

If a white girl wearing boxer braids or hoop earrings is offensive to you I think you probably have larger issues to examine. And don’t give me the argument that its only offensive because as the article claimed, certain hairstyles are “celebrated” when a white woman wears them, seen as “edgy and cool” and when black women wear them they “get passed over for jobs and asked to leave their classrooms”. Really? That argument holds zero weight with me because if that were the truth I wouldn’t need to address this at all.

It’s clearly NOT socially acceptable for white women to wear cornrows, boxer braids or locs etc. or articles like “Dear White Women…” wouldn’t exist. Not to mention using Kylie Jenner or Kim Kardashian as proof that hairstyles are made socially acceptable when white women wear them is so far-fetched its unbelievable. They are two of the most famous women on the planet, which means they can literally do whatever they want with their hair and personal style and the majority of people will sing their praises for it, regardless of what color they are. No different from Beyonce or Rihanna. In those specific situations it has zero to do with their race and everything to do with their level of celebrity and the amount of cultural influence they have.

Now if little white Katie, who works at the bank in Nebraska, puts cornrows in her hair and goes to work I guarantee she’s not getting any special treatment. In fact, Id argue that Katie would likely be asked to change her hair long before a black women would be asked to change hers. In today’s ultra PC environment companies are so incredibly conscious and aware of what might be considered discriminatory or charged as racist that they are often scared to enforce existing policies for fear of being sued or slaughtered in the media for “perceived” racism. That isn’t a fear they will have with Katie, they will simply ask that she change her hairstyle. Period.

Now when it comes to things like a bindi or Native American headdresses, I understand that the cultural ties and significance run much deeper but at the same time I don’t believe that its logical to expect that any culture can claim total ownership rights to items we wear, hairstyles, words, foods etc. Of course they can claim credit for its origins but just like anything else once it’s created and shared with the world its only a matter of time before others are influenced and inspired by it. It is this exact pattern that has led to the creation of all of the things we love, use and enjoy, whether in fashion, art, technology, music, dance etc.

Nowhere is that on greater display than here in America. Its nothing short of hypocritical to call America a melting pot but then suggest that all cultures remain separate and unshared. In choosing to immigrate to America you bring with you your culture by default, just as all of our ancestors did at some point in the past. Once here, American culture influences you and you no doubt influence it. THAT’S THE MELTING POT!!

Now this is undoubtedly where someone makes the argument that there is a difference between assimilation and appropriation. To which I say, one of those things is real and the other is a made up concept constructed and disseminated by the leftist media to cause issue where no issue should exist. The beauty of America is that we are a nation of many cultures, who over time fused together creating what the world now sees as American culture. Thats what makes us so unique and special.

While I don’t personally feel the need to wear a warbonnet or bindi as a fashion accessory, I think labeling it as blatantly offensive is a stretch. If a child decides to dress up in traditional Native American garb, or a kimono for Halloween is that really the worst thing? I guarantee there was no intent to offend, but rather to celebrate. To millions of people across the US a military uniform is a symbol of brave men and women who risked their lives for us and our freedoms. Men and women who literally bled and died, yet we sell military costumes, including VERY sexy ones in scores! And just where is the backlash and outrage at the “degradation” of that symbol? Designers create military inspired pieces year after year, camo this and camo that. Is this not “making light” of a symbol that literally has life or death meaning to so many?

If we apply the same logic used by the author of the Teen Vogue article and so many others to these examples as they have to other “now off limits” cultural symbols than it sure as heck would be and should be BANNED ASAP!!!!! Unless you understand what it means to serve or have risked your life in the manner that our soldiers have than why should you be allowed to wear it?

Funny how things like Christianity and our military aren’t off limits. I see plenty of costumes that literally make a mockery of priests, nuns, and other religious symbols, yet somehow offending those groups is FAIR GAME….

Cant say I’m shocked. Mainstream media sure is selective over whom they protect and whom they don’t.

Whatever side you fall on, whether you believe cultural appropriation is a real and serious matter, or whether you feel that what many call “cultural appropriation” is really just cultural APPRECIATION; something that is inevitable and even positive, or whether you think it’s a totally made up and ludicrous concept, ultimately we still arrive right back at the one question I’ve already asked and answered.

Is it your responsibility as an individual to ensure you don’t say, do or wear anything that anyone else may find offensive?

If you believe that is your duty than I offer you a final piece of advice. Please choose to live in solitude for the remainder of your life as that is the only way to ensure you never offend another human being with your choices. Good luck with that. As much as the left would like to convince you that you have some inherent right to “safe spaces” its simply not the case. Not only do you not have a right to it, such spaces could never exist because the fact remains that what offends Susie may not offend Sally and vice versa.

So here in the real world both Susie and Sally have to learn to cope with the fact that at some point or another others who inhabit this earth are going to offend her, sometimes with intention and sometimes with no intent at all. That’s called life my friends. I’m sorry if some of your parents didn’t prepare you for that, but now is a good time to take notes and learn. There are many things that I find offensive both personally and morally on a daily basis, often things our culture has started to normalize, and you know what I do? I simply acknowledge that they have the right to say, wear and do as they please, (just as I do) and I keep it moving. You should do the same. Because after all, will the world end if I, as a white woman, twerk during yoga class while wearing cornrows, hoops a bindi and some henna all while a buddhist chant plays softly in the background? Will anyone die? Will anyone truly be irreparably harmed? No friends, no they will not. The world will continue to turn and I will live to offend and be offended another day.

In case you’re curious, link to the original Teen Vogue story below.

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/coachella-cultural-appropriation

Two additional after thoughts:

First: I want to point out that I haven’t personally met anyone who is actually offended by any of the examples used in the Teen Vogue article, specifically braids and other hairstyles. Just more evidence in my opinion that this is more or less a fabricated issue pulled out of the air rather than off of the streets. (You can decide for yourselves why media & other groups would create and promote a narrative such as this…)

Second: When I travel I am regularly exposed to new fashions, foods and customs that I often really enjoy and appreciate.I see nothing wrong with allowing that exposure to grow me and shape me in a new direction. I believe that is what life is all about! The idea of being “cultured” used to be a compliment and now rather than being viewed as cultured they want to label you a “culture vulture”. Way to go PC Police, way to turn a positive into a negative. 😦 

 

 

I came across the above quote while scrolling the gram yesterday and it resonated with me immediately.

It may not seem all that profound at first glance but it certainly struck a cord, and Id almost go as far as to say it brought on a bit of a “light bulb” moment.

Navigating this first full year as a newly single woman, after what was nearly a decade long relationship hasn’t been easy. (To say the absolute least)

While I thought finally leaving a toxic relationship would bring great relief, what I learned instead is that being single…specially, single in LA comes with a whole load of new issues and unfortunately more toxic interactions.

Over the past 15 months I’ve dated here and there, with almost all of these “situationships” leading to the same frustrating end. Ive been hurt, irritated and left disillusioned with men more times than not, and I know I’m not alone in this, having heard the same stories from my girlfriends time and time again.

So yesterday as I was mindlessly scrolling, as I often do, this one sentence stopped me abruptly and led me to really reflect… for me it truly embodies the entire irritating and sometimes painful dating phenomenon I have experienced repeatedly over the past year in one short sentence.
“Being a good woman will always go unnoticed by a man with bad intentions.”

WOW! There it is!!!!
Lets all say it together out loud…

BEING A GOOD WOMAN WILL ALWAYS GO UNNOTICED BY A MAN WITH BAD INTENTIONS.

Now, let me unpack this for us a bit.

Lets start with “bad intentions” to me in this context, “bad intentions” is more or less the equivalent of no REAL intentions at all. Translation a man who is not currently relationship minded and is only looking at dating as mere sport/recreation ie. a fun little way to pass some time. This man isn’t dating as a means to an end, as in finding a true partner, best friend and potentially future wife, but instead is only interested in pleasure and fun in the present with NO active intention or thoughts of future building.

This is not to say that all men in this category are not potentially decent or even good men. Its simply to say that in the present moment they are NOT GOOD men for any woman who is seeking REAL relationship status. They aren’t necessarily the devil incarnate, (though I’ve encountered a few) they just haven’t yet “sowed their wild oats” if you will.

While some men are entirely upfront about their present position and outlook towards relationships there are of course those who instead intentionally mislead women in hopes of getting what they want….I don’t think I need to specifically address what that is…Im assuming we’re all on the same page here….😂
Anyhow, when we receive this information, either provided to us upfront & direct from the source, or revealed over time through action, you’d think that it alone would then be enough to deter us from pursuing anything further. Sadly, it often does not, and in some cases may even compel us to pursue them further and with greater determination.

I hate that this is a fact.
I hate that we so often know better but don’t do better, however just like the men we complain about we aren’t without flaw ourselves. While our motivations may be different, and I dare say typically more
pure it may often still lead to just as poor of decision making.

It seems that even though we realize someone isn’t displaying the signs of maturity necessary to engage in a real relationship our natural reaction is to either consciously or subconsciously assume that our GOODNESS will most certainly NOT go unnoticed and in turn we falsely assume that the men we interact with will behave and respond towards us in accordance with this regardless of where they are at in their own personal growth, capacity for or interest in a relationship.

We assume that our GOODNESS will be so apparent and therefore so APPEALING that we will be treated not only with respect but that these men will have a real and genuine interest & even an EXCITEMENT towards learning more about us than just the color of our underwear.

Boy is this a false assumption!

The truth of that matter is that more times than not men don’t change course when they meet “the one” they change course when they are READY; And “the one” then becomes the next good girl they happen to encounter… and that is certainly not to say many a good woman hasn’t come and gone before her, they just hadn’t yet grown to a place personally to realize or appreciate her GOODNESS!

Now ladies this works the same in reverse. Think about it, it would be great if we were always ready when the perfect man came a callin’, but the reality is often times we are not. Often times we are still carrying baggage from past situations and aren’t fully open to or ready for love either. Sometimes it is us that miss the boat. There is most certainly such a thing as the right person, wrong time scenario.

The solution to avoiding some of this potential heartache then is to properly “vett” your dates so to speak, and stop engaging with men who are only in it for recreation in hopes that your GOODNESS will bring about their maturity and growth sooner than they are prepared for. It wont!!!!

And in the event that you find yourself in a situation where someone isn’t valuing you do yourself a favor and show yourself the door. Don’t hang on in hopes that they will come to some break through realization, or worse because your ego refuses to give up on someone until you are sure they have seen how “worthy” you are.

The fact is you ARE worthy, you know who you are! You know your strengths and you know your value. You are a whole person on your own (and if you’re not, go work on that and then come back and revisit this 😉) and you don’t need any validation from some delusional f*ck boy with an ego 10 times the size of his ****, your basic womanizer or even the lesser of all dating “evils” your immature average joe,  just take a hard pass and move on… and don’t continue to make the same mistakes with the same type of men in the future!

Leave those who are only seeking recreation out on the playground right where you found them and let them play their games with women who are on their same level of emotional & relational maturity.
Stop assuming you can pull them up to your level. That rarely works. Instead they will have you down in the sandbox, covered in dirt, crying and frustrated just like the little boy in preschool who used to steal your little plastic shovel just to hit you over the head with it.

Ladies its time for us to choose better and stop blaming our bad experiences on the men with whom we have chosen to engage with. Stop expecting MORE from people who have SHOWN you they are only capable of delivering LESS.

Stop subscribing to the old adage that a man will automatically change when he meets “the one” and start living in the reality that if a man isn’t ready your GOODNESS will go unnoticed and if not entirely unnoticed at LEAST under appreciated and you deserve better!!! (but not if you keep choosing to settle for less….) So STOP! And if this is starting to sound overly redundant it’s because it is! (All this extra emphasis is in hopes we both get the message… you and I 😉)

Personally, the signs were there in all of my recent situations, I just chose to push forward anyhow, ego blinding me to the fact that no matter what I bring to the table (and I’m confident I bring plenty 😇) it ain’t gonna matter if the man is not looking to sit down….at ANY table, with you or anyone else. If they are still out sampling the menu all over town it wont matter what kind of 5 star meal you’re serving….

So move on and stop wasting your time! If you’re looking for a man to build with make sure you find one whose actually ready to sit at the table with you!

(Over my analogies yet??)

Anyhow, in closing… there are good men and there are some pretty rotten ones, same thing is true of women. Just remember you own your decisions and you own the outcome when you choose to engage on any level with another person. Don’t let the actions of a few allow you to become disillusioned in general. Instead do some heavy soul searching, do the hard work on yourself, figure out where you are going wrong in your selections and make the necessary adjustments.

Stop believing YOU can change a man who isn’t ready. YOU may be unique and special (and if you’re reading this I’m sure you are 😉)

But remember even you don’t have that much juice. If you want something real….like I know I do, take a pass on those who show you they aren’t ready, save yourself
the time….and the headache!

I woke up from a dead sleep last night, and felt compelled to write. Within 20 minutes the words filled the page. Encapsulating almost the entire past decade. Rather than post my words here,  I decided instead to record them for you to hear…

If you have ever suffered the pain of betrayal, lies, infidelity & deception at the hands of someone you loved I imagine you will relate.

If you have not, I pray you never do for your sake…

This is certainly the realest thing Ive ever been brave enough to share. So at minimum I hope you can appreciate my honesty, as this is certainly BARE. 

DISCLAIMER: I know this is kind of long.. 4 minutes or so… But I hope you will listen through to the end… The end is the best part 😇

Writing is my therapy… It is my hope that in reading my words, stories, experiences, emotions, and insights that you might find inspiration, healing, hope, or even just a laugh. I will hold nothing back, this is my journey..:: my life..:: my joys…:: my pains…::: this is ME. Bare. 

Why a blog? Why share personal details, experiences and emotions? I guess for me Ive come to understand and appreciate the value and healing power the stories of others can have on those in similar circumstances. In this age of social media so much of what is shared is intentionally and strategically “glossy”; rainbows, sunshine, ice cream and unicorns, if you will… (we all know thats not real life, right?) What is often left out (with perhaps the exception of the occasional meme or bleeding heart quote every tenth post or so) are the day to day struggles that we all face. Whether its simply a bad week or an entire season of depression, life is full of tests and trials and some battles take much longer to fight than others. In fact sometimes we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of a full out war. It can seem as though the hits never stop coming. Whether its a loss, issues in a relationship, career troubles, financial strain, or just lack of direction or loneliness, things within your control as well as things beyond your control. One thing is always true; as humans we desire to feel connected to the world around us, to feel as though someone out there can relate, that someone else has felt the pain we are feeling, or suffered the same hardship. While just knowing that you are not the first person to ever struggle the way youre struggling can be of some comfort, knowing that others have not only survived and overcome, but have went on to thrive, grow, learn and be better than ever before can be a tremendous source of hope. Even as I write this I am in the midst of what has probably been the most painful and challenging season of my life thus far. And you know what? Thats ok. Its ok because I firmly believe that your biggest TEST is also your biggest TESTIMONY.

So that is why I have decided to share with you ALL of the moments…Not just the glossy ones, not just the ones that make for a pretty picture. Because afterall there is beauty in pain too. Its all in the way you look at it.

My life is far more complicated, painful, and beautiful (Yes all at the same time) than can possibly be communicated through a string of photos on Instagram. Ive faced a multitude of personal challenges and in many areas I am still very much in the process of finding my way. Ive cried myself to sleep many a night questioning a number of things that have happened to me over the course of the past few years. Questioning why people I loved and cared for hurt or betrayed me. Why certain opportunities did or did not come my way. Why God placed certain people in my life and removed others. And probably most importantly contemplating what my purpose is in this life and what path I am meant to follow.

What I do know is that it is not enough to just breathe and exist in this world or to consume your time with shallow pursuits or the acquisition of money, fame or possessions. I know with certainty that God created each of us for a very specific purpose. Your personality, your individual talents, your appearance, your experiences and even your hardships, trials and perceived weaknesses are not accidental. They were strategically combined, planned far in advance, long before your conception. Each strand of your DNA is marked in Gods handwriting. We each possess gifts that only we can bless the rest of the world with. Thats one calling I dont want to miss…One area where I refuse to fail.

So even as I find myself in this cold and lonely season, I know there is always one absolute. When all else fails God never will.

This is just the beginning. There is so much I hope to share. No matter how it may be received, judged or criticized. Ill lay it all bare in hopes that others might connect with my words and experiences and in turn find some small level of comfort knowing we are all connected whether it be in joy or in pain….